Getting young people to lift a finger around the house often feels like a battle of wills. Yet, we persist because we know it matters. It is not just about getting the washing up done; it is about showing children they are capable. For foster carers, this dynamic is even more delicate. You are trying to instil life skills without triggering feelings of rejection or servitude. The aim is to make the child feel like a stakeholder in the home, rather than an unpaid worker.
Ease into Expectations
Rome was not built in a day, and neither is a helpful habit. If a child has recently arrived in your care, they might be in survival mode. Asking them to scrub the bath immediately might be too much. Start with the basics. Putting a plate by the sink is a win. It establishes a rhythm without adding pressure.
For younger children, make it a game. For teenagers, simply explain that living in a house means helping to maintain it. If a foster child has come from a background where chores were used as punishment, you must tread carefully. Keep tasks brief and low-stress until they feel secure enough to take on more. Don’t forget you can use some of your foster care pay to provide them with pocket money for doing so.
It Is a Team Effort
Isolation is a terrible feeling. Chores should not feel like a penalty where the child works while the adult relaxes. Do things alongside them. If you are folding laundry, ask them to sort the socks. This shared time can actually be quite chatty and relaxing.
For children with attachment difficulties, this proximity is reassuring. It reinforces that you are in this together. Using language like “we need to sort the lounge” rather than “you need to clean up” shifts the tone from a command to a collaborative mission. It builds a sense of belonging, which is crucial for any child, but especially those in care.
The Power of Choice
Nobody likes being bossed around constantly. This is doubly true for young people who have had decisions made for them by courts or social workers. Flip the script by offering options. Ask, “Would you prefer to hoover the hall or feed the cat?”
When they choose, they own the task. It stops being a demand and becomes an agreement. This small amount of autonomy can significantly reduce friction. It signals that you respect their preferences, even if the work still needs to be done.
Value the Attempt, Not the Result
Maybe the bedspread is lumpy. Perhaps a fork was put in the spoon section of the drawer. Let it slide. If you correct them immediately, they hear, “You didn’t do it right.” Instead, say thank you. You are building confidence.
If a foster child is worried about doing things ‘wrong’ because of past negative experiences, your acceptance of a ‘good enough’ job is healing. Focus on the fact that they pitched in. You can teach the finer points of polishing glass another day. Right now, the willingness to help is what counts.
Raising responsible humans is a marathon. Some weeks will be chaotic, and tasks will slip. That is fine. By keeping the atmosphere light and the expectations realistic, you teach them that they are competent. Eventually, these small acts of help become second nature, preparing them for the day they run their own homes.
